One result is that I am sensitive to being used or exploited in any way. I cannot tolerate even the possibility that I am being taken advantage of, to the extent that I suspect myself of being somewhat paranoid about this. Consequently, I usually don’t wind up feeling smothered in my dependent relationships. Rather, I wind up feeling exploited. The feeling that I am being exploited now prevents me from working well in most corporations, and from wanting to write computer programs, which continued to serve, without compensation, long after I, the developer, was dismissed as a superfluous entity in the enterprise.

I see some problems my attitude. I envy the royalties that are paid to entertainers when recordings of their works are replayed for commercial purposes. Clearly I believe that programming is more closely related to making music or film than to manufacturing machinery. Perhaps the distinction I should be making toward artifacts of programming work should be more along the lines of entertainment vs utility. For me, the lines are blurred. Producers of entertainment expect to be paid on the basis of tickets sold, and recording of live performances is usually proscribed, because the recordings are sold based on the number of copies or presentations to be provided. The important actors in a film negotiate to get residual compensation and percentages. The important programmers on a project need to negotiate for the same things, perhaps via a share of company stock. I was never offered a stock option, except in one company, where every professional staff member was given a fixed (miniscule) stock allotment per pay period as part of the compensation packages.

note: the digital age turned the tables on the entertainment industry. the simplicity of making cheap, durable, digital copies of “information,” whether it is music, theatre or code, had made the production of these materials for profit extremely problematic. one reaction to this has been the proliferation of “freeware” and “open source code”. the artists guilds are not accepting this without a fight, and the result has been harsh protections legislated in the Digital Millenium Copyright Act (DMCA), the copyright law on steroids. There is also a tax on blank digital recording media, which is paid to the artists guilds, but not to any programmer’s association such as the GNU, OSF, or EFF. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Private_copying_levy#United_States] Stand-alone audio recording devices are also surcharged, but recording devices that are computer peripherals are not, even if they are merely MP3 players with a USB interface.

I especially hated the way that my 2nd (now ex-) wife arrogated the “vision” (her term) of our marital goals to herself. Because she felt that she was entitled to own this “vision,” she always had to be the one to “wear the pants” and generally decided when, when and where any relationship rules would change. She would always tell me that I was being paranoid, when events at the end demonstrated that she had been mostly in the marriage for what she could get out of it.

After 35 years of separation, I recently made contact with my younger step-sister through Facebook. She was happy to hear from me, and told me that the rest of her family had moved to BCA. I didn’t want to know this. I don’t think I will be contacting them, because of the residual resentments.
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Prepared in response to the question “am I smothering you?” accompanied with the following article, sent to me by my fiance:
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Are you in love with a person who is love avoidant? It is not unusual to work with clients who report that there is a chronic distance in their relationship, which leaves them feeling empty, angry and hopeless about their marriage. Upon investigation, it appears that the client reporting the concern was initially “swept away” by the person. They admit that they tended to be needy and that this person had made them feel safe and secure about themselves. Once the relationship was well established and my client began to count on his or her partner, the spouse would back off emotionally and start sabotaging their relationship.
The client’s spouse would usually take momentary breaks from the relationship, by working too much, sexually acing out, using substances or participating in other high-risk behavior.
A pattern would occur where this neediness seems to psychologically push the partner away. The partner would either be gone physically for long extended periods or disconnect from the relationship. As you might imagine, the more the client pushed, the more detached the partner became and then like a rubber band that has been stretched to it’s limits, the spouse would snap back into the relationship reassuring my client that things would be different. The spouse would meet the needs of the client for a while and then the cycle would start all over again
Pia Mellody has done much research and refers to the spouse as “love avoidant”. According to her, people who are love avoidant usually experience the need to take care of a parent in childhood. This sense of duty creates a resentment, which results in walls that keep the love avoidant from ever truly experiencing love. Therefore, in adulthood despite the fact that the love avoidant usually hooks up with a dependent person, they will ultimately feel smothered, which is a cue to emotionally escape by acting out. The love avoidant usually does not come to therapy for these issues, but they may get help for an addiction or an at risk behavior.
This relationship will not get better by itself. It requires that the love avoidant work on two issues that are crucial to recovery. First, the love avoidant must look at the at risk behaviors that he has developed to deal with his anger. This means that he will have to look at drugs or alcohol addiction, gambling, sexual addiction, workaholism or whatever these patterns have been and he will need to develop new methods of coping with his feelings of anger. Secondly, they will need to get with a good psychotherapist who can help them to see how their unhealthy relationship with a parent contributed to their maladaptive patterns and their relationship.
The client needs to:
• Decrease their own expectations and meet their own emotional needs outside of the marriage in safe and healthy ways.
• Set healthy limits and boundaries with the love avoidant eg. they won’t wait six hours for them to return home. They won’t make ten calls looking for their partner. They won’t stay up all night waiting for their return.
• Set up new opportunities for support and self-love.
This type of relationship can not be resolved in short-term therapy. It requires that the couple do serious work on themselves. If you relate to the client, then I would recommend the book, Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody. It will provide a guideline to use to get started on breaking the cycle.
If you relate to the love avoidant, find a therapist who is skilled at working with relational issues. It will require a deep sense of connection with a therapist. It won’t get better without professional help.

Now I am in something of a bind, needing to learn how to drive a truck in order to pass the test of skill before the permit expires.

note: Later, I learned that the Class C CDL required a supplementary HAXMAT endorsement, but I was not originally interested in getting that, and the young clerk gave me no info regarding that. I wanted the class C so I could use my car to try the inspection and driving tests.

The skills testing is only given at facilities hundreds of miles from Blythe.

Cheating is such a universal misfortune that, for only 2 occurrences separated by 15 many years of fidelity, I would not bother to factor any possible personality disorder into it at all. I would sign us both up for a few sessions with a marriage counselor and be done with it. If the outcome of the counseling was not satisfactory, I would plan a long vacation for myself, by myself.

3 tbsp. light cooking oil
3/4 c. cooked brown rice
2-3 eggs
chili sauce
4 oz. minced peppers, onions or cilantro (optional)
2 large flour tortillas

in a large sauce pan over medium high heat, heat the oil to the smoking point. Add rice and fry until rice begins to brown, stirring constantly. Lower heat to medium-low and push rice to one side of pan. Add veggies to pan and saute until tender, then push aside with the rice. Add eggs and stir constantly to scramble, until the eggs are softly set . Add chili sauce and stir all ingredients together. Lower heat to lowest setting, cover the burrito filling in the pan with the tortillas, and cover the pan with a lid. Let the mixture steam for 3 minutes over low heat, or remove from heat completely and let stand covered for 5 minutes.

When tortillas have become soft and flexible, put 1/2 c. of the egg and rice mixture on each one, and fold to enclose filling in a handy edible wrapper.  Makes 2 burritos (4 servings).

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DS user D writes:
I look, I search for answers on the internet. It is always the same. It’s okay to watch it if you are married. Watch it with him, etc..

porn is destroying my relationship. I am torn because some say it is stupid to let it. Then why does it hurt so bad? I don’t want to feel I am sharing my man with a hundred other girls daily.

The more I complain, the more secretive he becomes. I check the computer history. It bother me more than ever he hits teen porn…a lot.

Disturbing.

I am not young, so this hurts because I can’t go back to being 18. Barely legal? I am sick to my stomach. He is nearing 40. I am so stressed and hurt I can rip me hair out. Need something to numb me.

Every time I leave the house he hits the porn. Store (porn) go for a run(porn)…We hardly have sex. when we do it doesn”t work fully because he just spanked.

Then he complains about erectile dysfunction. Gee, I wonder why it won’t get hard or isn’t as strong as you like, masturbating too much. I didn’t sign on to be celibate. There is always some excuse to skip sex. He says he’s just lazy, porn is easier. Is divorce my only option?

When we do have sex, I don’t know if I should have sex my way or party like a porn star because his view on sex is warped.

I have decided every time he comes to me for sex I would do it, even if I want to or not. I think he asks at a time when it is not possible to get brownie points for trying. He never initiates when it is possible, or avoids and even took sleeping meds to get an excuse to avoid it at bedtime. that one threw me for a loop. (slap, slap).

He did not want to watch it with me. I used to make trips to the porn store with him, I thought it was an excellent couples tool…until I saw how uncomfortable it was making him viewing it with me.

We have been together 22 yrs. He is an habitual liar, and not only about porn.

I know the simple solution is to just leave. That’s hard when he’s begging me to stay. How do I shut off my emotions so he could play? They are not kidding when they say the hardest love to lose is your first love.

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my response:

If your husband had to take anti-depressants, would it make you feel like divorcing him because you were not able to make him happy?

You will never be 18 again. He likes looking at 18 year-old female bodies. Do you need to deny him this pleasure because you can’t be 18 again, and can’t feel adequate as long as he is looking at porn?

I suspect that your husband is addicted to porn, as I am. I wish I weren’t. It was a factor in the breakup of both my marriages, and is now an albatross that stops me from becoming romantically involved. However, the fix I get from masturbation is almost as important to me as food. It is like having a built-in xanax factory. Thanks to porn and masturbation, my sex addiction has not driven me to much more risky sexual outlets. My first orgasmic experiences were with porn, and after some bad experiences at strip clubs and school dances, I came to the conclusion that porn was the safest way for me to go.

I don’t agree with the idea that sexual addition leads inevitably to escalation of sexual risk taking, but it does happen frequently. Hopefully your husband is staying at home and spanking rather than stalking young women at the mall, setting up sex liasons online or picking up prostitutes. If there is a Sex Addicts Anonymous chapter operating in the area, I would recommend that he get help for his problem there.

For your problem, I would recommend Co-dependents Anonymous.

I think that the most common reason that porn addiction will destroy a relationship is because the person who does not have it is unable to accept the consequences in their own life. Period. This is perhaps the biggest reason that MOST addictions are capable of destroying relationships.

The porn is a proximal cause, but the immediate cause is the collection of feelings engendered in the person who does not have the addiction.

This is one of the hardest things for some people to learn: that feelings are not the same as facts, in the sense that feeling something is true is not the same as it being true, BUT they too often have the same effect that their being fact would have..

A lot of sex addiction is based on the deeply held belief (i.e. a feeling) that the addict is not lovable, and therefore not loved. The typical angry, judgmental, and shaming response to acting out simply reinforces this core belief, and actually helps to drive the addictive cycle.

There are appropriate responses to porn addiction, responses that are much less likely to trigger acting out, but these are not part of the standard behavioral repertoire with which most adults are equipped. In addition, there are points at which the addictive cycle can be interrupted and the energy temporarily redirected, but most adults are not attuned to these opportunities, and usually try to defeat the addiction through hostile confrontation and controlling behaviors, which, for the long-term relationship, have more destructive than constructive effects.

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D’s response:

I used to approach it in the wrong way in the beginning, demand it stop “now”. Later I turned to telling him to do as he please, I will let him choose, he is an adult, and if the level of it doesn’t reduce, when I get tired of it all, I will just leave.

I am tired. It seems inevitable, but thanks for your insight.

Do you know what the kicker is? He wouldn’t have a porn problem if we weren’t together at all. So who has the problem? Porn, the single mans sport.

it did graduate to strippers, chatting women online, and dating sites like ashleymadison, a woman at work,which he says did not lead to full contact sex.He blames me, name calling, and saying I am the only woman out there who complains. I believed him, thought something was wrong with me and sought out a counselor to understand.

I forgave and worked with him for a few yrs, things improved, I thought, but he only got better at hiding it. The last two weeks he was off from work and I wanted to see how long he would lie about it.He looked me in the eye daily for two weeks and said no. I knew. I just wanted to see how long he would lie. I finally asked him about it and he, in tears, said he thought he was being clever.

I know now it’s a sex addiction. I did not look for instant stopping. I only wanted him to slow it down and only porn it when he didn’t have access to me. I did not ask him to quit completely. I don’t think he can. 5 yrs of being patient.

It’s not about being 18 again. I don’t have sex because he prefers the hand.
He says he needs and wants counseling for it. I know why he does it, the lying and porning it. His past. I refuse to make that step for him. He wants me to find the help for him, but if he doesn’t do it himself…

I know watching porn isn’t cheating, but why does it feel like cheating?
and that can be just as damaging.

======================================================

Analysis:

D is trapped by her insecurities about her sexual attractiveness and her moral dilemma over viewing porn. She sends strong signals that so long as he looks at porn, she does not really want her husband. She cannot allow her husband to enjoy porn and as a result, he is driven to the state of compulsion over it.

He has responded to the repression by lying and avoiding sex with his oppressor. His acting out has escalated to seeking extra-marital para-sexual contacts with strangers. It is possible that these events are recent, but since she did not volunteer this information before being prompted, these may have occurred some time ago. It doesn’t matter to her, because she considers the porn viewing to be just as damaging. On the emotional level she is not able to distinguish between reality and fantasy.

she resists looking inside herself to learn why her feelings of inadequacy exist, and why her feelings alone should determine how the relationship develops.

He will not be able to escape his addiction, because he is subconsciously convinced that his wife does not love him as he is.

Prognosis:
This marriage will end in divorce.

The cause of this is probably having been a witness to the death of my mother’s married boyfriend late at night, after had come to our apartment in order to have sex with her, while my brother and I were sleeping in the kitchen. We were hustled off to a neighbor’s apartment as the medics were preparing to carry his body away. No-one ever spoke with us about this, and we were careful to avoid mentioning all the Catholic church commandments and by-laws that had been broken.

The damage this caused was profound, because I was only 9 or 10 years old, and at that time a student in Catholic parochial school. I knew just enough of Catholic sexual mores to be completely confounded by what had happened. My brother and I were taken out of Catholic school soon after, but probably not because of my great extant wish and fervid prayer for this outcome, but because of the slander that attached to my mother’s transgression. I still remember the boyfriend’s name, and can see his face disfigured in death as though it happened yesterday.

Psycho-sexually, I have been crippled by the experience. Almost everyone offends me with their sexual opinions and attitudes. All the sex in the porn I watch would be offensive, if I encountered it first-hand. I’d still watch, but I would not want to participate, other than perhaps to masturbate. Minutes after orgasm, the death wish overwhelms me, and I fall into a deep sleep, hoping never to wake again.

When it comes to having real sex, the death wish comes to me with same timing and strength as my physical desire. I firmly believe that romantic relationships do not last, and my experience has confirmed this belief. Even when I am in love (yes, it happens) I feel that I would be better off dead, because I expect the relationship to come crashing down on me at any time.

I am afraid to pay bills because there is never enough money. I am afraid to go to interviews, because my answers to the questions will embarrass me, and the humiliating experience will be ultimately futile. I am afraid to work hard, because I fear that my efforts will be insufficient. I am afraid to face challenges, because I fear failing.

I don’t really like people, or the things that most people do and say, very much. I don’t really trust very many people either. I expect that they will do or say things that I don’t like. I am often fooled into believing that quiet people are trustworthy, simply because they do not say or do things that I do not like.

Whenever I feel threatened, anxious or lonely, I look at porn and masturbate. This happens a lot, basically several hours every day. Afterward, I am usually able to sleep until it is time to eat. Whenever I am not masturbating or otherwise mentally engaged, I want to be dead. I waste significant effort thinking of ways to kill myself that would affect the fewest people.

I have not always been this way, but I have been this way for a long time.

Patricia Anne Burkdoll, age 75

She is survived by two sons from her first marriage, 4 grandchildren, 3 great-children; and her adoptive daughter’s family. Patricia was preceded in death by her parents, her late husband Don Burkdoll of Bythe, her sister, her brothers, and her infant son.

A memorial gathering of family and friends will be held in her home on February 19, beginning at 11:00 AM.