Bonnybayboyo's Blog

This blog is about my journey through separation and divorce from T (wife #2), my recovery from an addiction to porn and my search for a new home and soul mate.  It is also about my renewed determination to fulfill my obligations to my family, which I have neglected for over 40 years.  This last thing could be the hardest of all for me, because I am not a naturally compassionate person and have always had a tendency to “buckle with the weight of the world.”  I know that my need to reconnect is born from the pain I’m feeling, and this brings so much guilt that I can hardly stand it.  I want to remember this time when I am once again snug and tending toward smug inside a happy home, so that I will not relinquish the connections that should remain important to me for the rest of my life, yet again.

I especially want to thank D and M, who helped me through the first and worst of this time at some considerable personal cost.   I love you, even though I can’t say it.

The Daily Strength crew got me to list some healthy boundaries I’ve developed.  This stuff will probably merit it’s own page someday, but for now it’s here:

I no longer allow anyone else to devastate me with unfair judgments, name calling or criticism, nor will I attempt to argue with them about these things, realizing that this would be only buying into their game.

I no longer allow anyone to yell at me or physically assault me in an argument. I carefully back away from the situation.

I no longer blame others for “causing” my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I no longer accept blame for the misbehavior of another.

I no longer demand that others live in accordance with my wishes, or disparage them for failing to. I am learning how to request a change in behavior and define reasonable consequences for non-compliance.

I now gratefully acknowledge well-meaning advice, while reserving the right to disregard it.

I now feel and show respect for, rather than envy of, the genuine achievements of others.

I took the quiz at http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

Here’s how I did:

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate